I was reminded the other day how much we are affected by our own perspectives, backgrounds and environment. I’d like to think I’m a person who can see beyond what someone looks like, but clearly my own biases have an impact on what I see and immediately think. Anyone who tells you they don’t see race, gender, weight, looks, sexual orientation. . . is wrong. Of course we do. The question is what do we do after we see it?
That’s where I think the conversation should begin. I cannot truly understand what it means to be overweight, for most of my life I was as thin as I am now. During my pregnancy I gained 15 pounds which I thought was exorbitant. It took a year for me to lose, which I thought was interminable. But that clearly doesn’t give me a true awareness of what it feels like to be overweight in a society that only seems to see thin young perfection.
I once had a worker in my house who left a tool behind. The manager asked me to describe him. I actually took a moment to think –
“How do I relate his sizable girth?”
I chose a medical term – obese. The manager was furious I could be so rude. I was at a loss to explain his response. When did reality become inaccurate? I wasn’t disparaging just describing a fact; but that’s not how he heard it. Later I met this man and saw he was heavier than his coworker. Perhaps that was the true injury behind my words. It hurt him. I had unknowingly hit too close to home.
A dear friend was morbidly obese, that’s a BMI greater than 40. At 5’6″, she weighed 300 pounds. It was a struggle to sit in normal chairs or walk more than a block without needing to rest or having to stop due to knee or back pain. She consulted in the medical field which required extensive travel. Her anguish at getting into an airplane seat that wasn’t close to fitting her size, or finding work clothes that would be appropriate and somewhat stylish was heartbreaking. I could empathize. I could be supportive while still encouraging healthier choices but I could never really understand her day to day challenges. How she said people saw her weight as lack of will power and immediately diminished her expertise and knowledge. Years later, she lost 100 pounds and survived breast cancer. Although still overweight, the difference in her interactions with others was noticeable.
I don’t know what it feels like to be a person of color. In college a friend told me horror stories of being a black female in the advanced physics department at the University of Arizona. She actually made herself as dowdy and unattractive as possible to stay under the radar. I was shocked one night when I watched her transform into a gorgeous runway model in order to make extra money to cover school costs. It wasn’t surprising how differently people responded to this image. Neither were her true self, that part of her she guarded at all costs. It was painful to hear her fears, anger and frustration that she’s only defined by what someone sees. Her many accomplishments and abilities were minimized in comparison to the extremely different looks.
Now as a tenured professor, wife, mother, published author and researcher she still struggles with how she’s judged by society. She allows me the opportunity to begin to understand the enormous difficulties she faces every day just because she’s black. Something I’d hoped and wanted naively to believe was a thing of the past, is far too prevalent today and more obvious she says than ever, when the polite facade is too easily discarded.
Or my petite Hispanic friend who tells me how her beauty and voluptuous physique have impacted her since childhood. Few see beyond that to the thoughtful, brilliant woman who runs her own company, succeeding where the vast majority have failed. She has refused to “dumb down or diminish her looks” in order to survive or pander to a belief she had to pretend to be less than she is for anyone. This included her now ex- husband who couldn’t embrace her successes in a culture that too often encourages women to take a position below their spouses, not beside them.
In medical school, a sweet and gentle man courageously admitted his sexual preference only to be ridiculed and shunned by many. I couldn’t help but wonder what these students would someday say in future intimate encounters with patients that required tolerance. What kind of physicians would they become when their actions were so judgmental and harsh?
I will always be grateful for all my friends willingness to share and give me what I’m sure is only a superficial idea of what they grapple with daily. Gently smacking me upside the head when I inadvertently say something that could be construed as anything less than respectful or sensitive due to my ignorance, while acknowledging it is never meant to be malicious or hurtful.
I do know what it felt like to be a white, petite, pretty, far too young female when I entered college at 16. How that engendered patronizing comments for my size, age and sex. How men, and sadly some women, talked only to my male counterparts and patted my arm while asking if I really had what it takes to be a physician since, hey, I’ll probably quit to become a wife and mother. The concept I could be all three, too alien to consider. Even now, 30 years later as I’m building a new office from the ground up, I’m fascinated by the disparity in interactions contractors, architects, bankers, designers, and family have had depending on who they see. An older woman with no construction knowledge or an accomplished, intelligent one. Most seeming to err on the first. I was recently told by one vendor that he was just trying “to take a load off,” when decisions were made without my input. He was shocked by my resultant anger at what he thought was consideration and thoughtfulness at how “overwhelmed” I must be. Often times vendors speak to others when answering questions instead of respecting that in the owner and am footing the bill.
I do know what it feels like to be Jewish. As a child singled out to talk about Hanukah or being forced to sing “dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay,” every Christmas to an auditorium of well meaning teachers and kids who saw me as an oddity. Some actually asking where I hid my tail or horns. I kid you not. Or knowing country clubs existed that restricted access to Jews and Blacks. Hearing stories of members’ hatred and anger, I feared for my welfare when I unknowingly visited that country club because a friend’s family invited me to lunch after I’d spent the night as a 12 year-old. That leaves an indelible impression.
Even as recently as last weekend a lady checking me out at a grocery store asked if I was joining my family for Easter. I volunteered I was celebrating Passover instead. Taken aback she then went on to tell me how all Jewish women have such beautiful completions! A seemingly harmless and silly response to an unexpected answer.
We don’t have to have a different color skin, be a recent immigrant, part of the LGBTQ+ community, or overweight to know what it feels like to be demeaned, diminished, patronized or hurt. Anyone can find anything to focus on for that. For most of us, our issues are minuscule compared to the horrifying suffering some groups are exposed to now. The fact they are targeted at a much higher risk for incurring outrageous injustices in this day and age is inexcusable. We are a compilation of all our experiences, interactions and history. But how do we move beyond that? How do we start to understand those who don’t share our background, sexual orientation or viewpoint?
The answer?
To make sure we openly talk to each other, ask questions, learn what we’re feeling and how that impacts our words and actions. I believe most of us don’t intend to hurt or harm others. But I fear too many times we do so out of ignorance, lack of understanding or just plain carelessness. Not animus or malice. None are excuses or justifications. We live in an amazing melting pot filled with incredible diversity that has made this country what we are today and will continue to make us what we will be in the future. What that ends up looking like will depend on how we choose to define that diversity. I choose to define it as empowering. I am not diminished or minimized by my differences. We all offer a piece of the pie that brings new perspective and attitudes to unify and make us whole.
I don’t know what it feels like to be anything but me. But I do know how to listen when I’m told I said something insensitive, feel horror when I hear stories of hatred, empathize with those hurt by anger and ignorance and strive to understand how others feel when shut down by how they look, believe or live. I can learn to evolve and become a better person who opens up to new ideas and opportunities that will enrich my life. We need to make our actions and words match.
No one is perfect. We don’t always speak the words someone wants to hear or in the way they want them said. Speak up. Don’t let it fester. Express yourself and help others to see your view point. Change only occurs when we work together to make that the new reality. Let’s show more respect, patience, and courtesy to each other and strive to have a future that embraces us all.