Living with chronic pain is all consuming. It never ends. Living, working, caring for or being friends with someone in chronic pain can be just as challenging, physically and emotionally taxing as well. Here are some ideas to help you and the person living with chronic pain.
Remember, first and foremost:
You can’t be there for someone else if you don’t take care of yourself.
Don’t do too much and get hurt.
Take time when you need a break.
Being supportive can go a long way.
More often than not, just a hug, a warm touch, holding hands and knowing you’re there is all that’s needed.
For many in pain, the worry is they’ll suffer alone.
Having someone who’s willing to just sit at your side and gaze into the sunset can be empowering.
How are they feeling?
Be sensitive to their current pain levels and needs. Some days getting out of bed can seem too much. But encouraging just that and engaging in activities they can enjoy but not worry will be too taxing is the goal. And stay tuned to signs that say,
“I’ve done enough for one day.”
It’s tough to understand.
My sister recently had acute, debilitating back pain. She looked me in the eye and said,
“I can’t believe you live with this every day.”
It was the first time she appreciated just a tiny amount of what I deal with daily.
For many it’s easy to brush off, diminish or get impatient with those who suffer chronically. Comments like,
“Just get over it.”
“You’ll be fine once you’re there.”
“It can’t be that bad, when I hurt I just ignore it,”
“Give it time, it’ll pass.”
Don’t help.
Listen.
Many times all we really want is to be heard and shown warmth, kindness, love and tolerance in return. Know our lives matter. After months or years it gets tedious and exhausting for both parties. But remember, you’re the one who’s pain free. They are not. It impacts every aspect of their lives, especially relationships.
Don’t shame.
Often, without realizing it, those with chronic pain are shunned, isolated or treated as babies who whine and cry for no good reason. Even well-meaning comments can be hurtful,
“You are tough, strong and capable. Don’t let pain stop you.”
“You can do anything you put your mind to.”
“Stop letting it rule you!”
Don’t take no for an answer.
Asked so many times to get together, go out, socialize, or see a movie and been turned down each time? Don’t stop. Socializing is as powerful as morphine! For those with chronic pain, having somebody to share with, laugh or cry alongside is immensely helpful. Whether it’s over food, on a couch, in the park…. Just being there will start the powerful pain reliving cascade of endorphins.
Don’t define them by their pain.
Understand it’s a part of what they are feeling, not who they are. Yes, it can define the parameters of activities they enjoy, but it doesn’t define the vibrant, intelligent, humorous, caring person inside. That’s who you care about. Whether it’s diabetes, cardiovascular disease, COPD- chronic obstructive lung disease, wheelchair bound, post stroke, or chronic pain, they still remain who they are.
A.S.K
Acknowledge their pain and restrictions.
Support. Provide support and comfort while gently encouraging safe activities that will improve their health, well-being and lifestyle.
Keep in touch. Especially important for those home bound and isolated.
Just knowing you’re not alone. That someone cares if you get up in the morning can make a huge difference.
Encourage positive thinking.
Pain can create a box that feels smaller and smaller every day. Without minimizing their issues, encourage an upbeat attitude. No matter the circumstances, we all do better and accomplish more when we feel happy not defeated. That’s another reason just your very existence can be so powerful.
Offer help.
Asking for help is often seen as a weakness. But no human being can survive on their own. We all need someone to turn to and it provides a means for those who care to show their love beyond a casual phone call or text. Too many times those who care feel helpless in the face of our pain, given the opportunity to help feels good.
I’ll never forget when I mentioned how hard it was for me to lift a large ladder into my house to change light bulbs on my high ceilings. The next day a friend delivered a tool that allowed me to attach a light bulb and telescope it up to 20 feet, easily replacing every bulb in the house. An incredibly thoughtful solution that didn’t require assistance each time the need arose, but instead allowed me to safely take care of it for myself.
Don’t enable.
There’s a fine line between empathy, support, and reinforcing or encouraging sedentary and unhealthy behaviors that worsen pain. Encourage them to mobilize, eat well, get out, stay active. Remaining independent and functional is key. Too many times I see friends and family who mean well jump in and take off patient’s clothes, shoes or argue why even minimal activity is too painful and justify why they can’t improve or follow recommendations. No matter how much I explain this can actually be harmful, not helpful.
And it reinforces how you see them – debilitated and incapable of taking care of even their basic needs.
Encourage self-care.
There are so many ways we can deal with chronic pain. From long hot baths, ice or hot packs, exercising, meditation, relaxation techniques, socializing, art work, music, aromatherapy, better fitting clothes and shoes, mattresses, linens– look at past posts to see the phenomenal resources that are available. The best thing anyone can do for someone who suffers from chronic pain is encourage them to explore their options. Take it from a kindred soul, they help!
Even better, share a few with them. Whether in pain or not, getting active, outdoors, learning to relax… is good for all of us.
Go with them to appointments.
When in pain we often can’t properly express our issues or needs. Having another set of eyes and ears can add a valuable perspective. But don’t take over. It’s important to allow the one suffering to feel empowered and involved. This is also a great way to see and hear what’s actually been discussed. Too often we only get one side, which often reinforces those remedies the patient desires.
Talk it out.
Watching someone suffer is terrifying. We want to jump in and fix them. But that’s never going to happen. Here, all we can do is show support, caring, sensitivity and the willingness to share whatever they are going through. Not an easy task, I know. That’s why communication is so important. Open, honest conversations that deal with both sides is the only way it works. Those in pain must understand, it’s not just about them.
Living with chronic pain is a challenge for all involved. These tools can help to keep everyone moving forward and enjoying a life filled with love and fulfillment.
