Shame. It’s a powerful emotion. There’s a reason we feel shame. When we did something wrong. When we wronged someone else. When we know our behavior was inappropriate. When we feel remorse.
Shame has a purpose.
It’s meant to tell us when we’re approaching, or crossing, the line.
Here it’s a healthy emotion that pushes us to be a better person. Helps us to make better choices in our lives.
We are actually hard wired to feel shame, it’s a physiological response generated by the autonomic system- the part that regulates our internal organs. These responses occur without thought, like breathing, swallowing, and digesting. It’s made up of two parts, the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems. The sympathetic nervous system is in charge of the fight or flight response that kicks in when we perceive an imminent danger or threat. Studies hypothesize it developed when each member was vital to the survival of others within the tribe.
How we are nurtured as children is stored in the amygdala within the limbic system in the brain. For many these memories and resultant adaptive mechanisms shape how we respond as adults.
In some:
- A flight response can trigger the need to disappear. Here individuals withdraw.
- A fight response can trigger an aggressive verbal or behavioral response.
- Others may freeze when feeling trapped.
Like pain that keeps us from physical harm, shame prevents damaging interactions that can harm tribal structure and cohesion. Shame is a powerful motivator to repairing our social relationships.
It’s not meant to demean, manipulate or coerce.
That not healthy shame that propels us forward-that’s toxic shame meant to destroy or control.
That’s abuse. When it’s used to make someone feel in control or better than others.
If this is a part of your life, seek help.
Shame should be the barometer within each of us that guides our responses and actions by reminding us of what’s right or wrong.
When we’ve spoken angry, hurtful words we didn’t mean.
Took something that wasn’t ours.
Cheated.
When we’ve broken a trust.
When we’ve harmed others.
Violated a boundary.
Or are about to.
Shame kicks in. It’s an early warning signal.
But too often we refuse to see or listen to the truth, instead turning it on others.
It’s never easy to acknowledge we did something wrong, to say we’re sorry or make amends and mean it. That requires honest introspection and taking responsibility for our actions.
Too many prefer to deflect or attack, making those harmed the culprits. Eventually this becomes a routine defense mechanism and the need to be a part of the group, feel empathy or kindness towards others ends.
Next time you feel shame ask yourself:
Am I trying to protect myself from owning up to my decisions.
Am I angry at others because I crossed a line I knew I shouldn’t have crossed and was caught?
Am I disappointed in my own actions, or failure to act?
Or,
Am I feeling shamed for standing up for what I believe?
Am I being shamed for what I look like?
Am I I being shamed for who I love?
Depending on the answer, take a breath and decide the best path forward.
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/04/11/the-neuroscience-of-shame/