Amends vs. Apology

We all make mistakes, that’s part of being human. It’s not a question of if it will happen, only when. How we respond to that mistake is what’s really important.

Some may argue if it wasn’t done intentionally, why get upset? But human nature doesn’t ignore slights easily. We all need to have them acknowledged so we can forgive ourselves, know we are forgiven and move on.

A sincere apology is a genuine desire to let someone know you’re sorry for an action, lack of one, or for inappropriate words. It’s for a specific issue that needs attention. 

“I am so sorry I borrowed your top without asking. It won’t happen again.”

Then a meaningful conversation can occur and both parties can move on knowing they’ve been heard and confident in the results.

But when the issue(s) is repeated and becomes a part of that person’s behavior an apology is no longer enough.

We’ve all been there:

The roommate who repeatedly eats your food, doesn’t clean up after themselves or believes your belongings are really part of the communal property.

The spouse who likes the idea of a “honey do” list but can’t find time to actually do anything on it.

Someone who’s routinely late. They may call shortly before hand to inform you they’ll be somewhere in a “few minutes.” Or not. And there’s always an excuse, traffic, work, child care issues.

Or the friend, spouse, parent who promises to show up for a ball game, birthday, party, or. . .yet rarely follows through. Breaking one promise after another. 

Saying, 

“I’m sorry. Forgive me but… “

Only goes so far. Eventually it’s clear, your time, even worse, you, are less important or valued when compared to their wants and needs.

That’s when an amends is required. 

At this point many are adamant this is just for addicts and alcoholics, knowing making amends to those they harmed is part of a recovery program.

At this level it even requires looking up a person you wronged, however how long ago, and acknowledging what you did. That’s a huge step.

Acknowledging what you did and making it right. It may no longer matter to that person. They may have moved on long ago. But that action and those words need to be said.

For the rest of us addiction doesn’t have to be part of the equation in order to understand the power, and necessity in some cases, of making amends. 

It’s part of most spiritual and religious traditions. Catholics have confession, Judaism encourages soul searching and behavioral changes every year on the day of atonement-Yom Kippur. A friend once told me Buddhism teaches the way to change a pattern is to change our relationship with that pattern.

All pretty much saying the same thing. We need to own up to what we do, acknowledge our mistakes and chose paths that honor and respect each other.

This step is important in any relationship when the inappropriate actions are so frequent they require far more than an, “I’m sorry,”  to fix.

That’s when an amends is required. A true internal look at why this behavior continues and specific actions that will be taken to stop it. Dozens of apologies no longer work.

Unfortunately that’s usually when the relationship ends or family interactions get strained to the point gatherings and others are affected.

How many times does it take before Uncle Joe’s thoughtlessness is no longer tolerated and invitations to holiday dinners stop coming?

Learning to follow through, honor others, respect their time and keep open channels of communication is not easy. Looking inside and seeking answers to why we repeat certain behaviors is hard. Sometimes walking away seems like the answer. 

And too often that’s exactly what happens.

No one likes confrontation. But being able to share and safely communicate our feelings and needs is key to a long lasting, healthy relationship. Otherwise we move from one to another when our behavior hits a level no one can accept.

The difference between an apology and amends is simple.

In the first a heartfelt statement can resolve a one time, isolated incident.

In the second, a repeated wrong takes time and effort to right, only then can healing start and balance be restored. Acknowledging why we do what we do and promising through future actions to stop is the only way to truly move forward.

Once trust is lost, it takes work to regain.

But the growth, awareness and closeness we gain is worth it.